Ambrosia

I've got to admit, I was very intimidated before making ambrosia. I had never had it before, which almost makes me question my waspy-ness. It seems like a wasp staple that always shows up at pot lucks and church gatherings. As a matter of fact, I don't think I've ever seen ambrosia that wasn't being served in its natural environment: a church basement.

Here's why I have been putting off making this dish:

1. The name means "food of the gods". That's setting the stage for great expectations. Can canned fruit really live up to it?

2. Marshmallows. They go in hot cocoa, smores and lucky charms. For some reason, marshmallows scare me a little when in the context of mystery white pudding stuff that may contain coconut. Which brings me to number three.

3. Coconut. HATE IT! Especially when it is sneaky and hidden in things like ambrosia... just waiting there to be discovered so you can be grossed out by the texture of little hairs in your food. I will be omitting coconut in my version of ambrosia. You should too or at least let people know it's in there!

4. Maraschino cherries. G-Mom tells me they are soaked in formaldehyde therefore she doesn't eat them. Not sure if this is an urban legend, but I will be brave and include a few in my recipe. I like to live on the edge.


Here's why I have decided to give it a whirl:

1. Fruit salads have wasp written all over them. No wasp food blog would be complete without it.

2. Aunt Alice has voted for ambrosia on several polls and it never wins. This one's for the underdog!

3. I'm a closeted fan of cool whip. For a while, I used to eat it right out of the tub with sprinkles on it and pretend it was ice cream.


This is what you will need if you are ready to master the ultimate wasp food:

one 8 oz container of Cool Whip or similar fake cream product, thawed
1/2 cup chopped walnuts
8 oz. can of fruit cocktail
8 oz. can of pineapple chunks
11 oz. can of mandarin oranges
a few maraschino cherries
3 cups mini marshmallows
pinch of cinnamon and nutmeg


First step: Drain all the cans of fruit.

Second step: In a large bowl, combine everything.

DONE!


After the first taste test, I decided to add about 2 tablespoons of maraschino cherry juice and about 10-15 cherries. I think it was a nice touch in terms of flavor, plus it made the cool whip turn pink!


The verdict: I think this might be my new guilty pleasure. I was pleasantly surprised. It's got an interesting texture and is light and not too sweet. I'd like to make something similar with fresh fruits or play around with adding other ingredients.

Royall says: It needs coconut. (GROSS!)

Be brave and make some!

Swedish Hasselback Potatoes

Using Stumble Upon, I found this beauty: the hasselback potato, or as I like to call it ...

The Hasselhoff Potato

I bet David Hasselhoff would enjoy these! I don't know who wouldn't love these potatoes! Those puppies would do tricks for these carby wonders.

Crunchy on top, yummy breadcrumbs and fluffy potato goodness on the inside.

You will only need a few ingredients (potatoes, oil, breadcrumbs, salt and pepper) and about 40 minutes or so. I know that right now you are thinking, "Hey, I've got those things! I want to eat something that sounds like Hasselhoff!". That's a sign that YOU SHOULD MAKE THESE!

1. Preheat oven to 425. If you have a big one, toaster ovens can be good for making these.

2. Prep potatoes. Thinly slice the potatoes leaving only a few centimeters at the bottom. DON'T CUT ALL THE WAY THROUGH! Be careful, because it's hard to get close to the bottom without cutting all the way. Use something to block your knife from going through. Some people use chopsticks positioned on either end of the potato. The closest thing I had to the right thickness were Nutrisystem chocolate bars (which I am obviously not using).


3. Add oil. I used canola spray oil (kinda like Pam). You could also use olive oil. Try to get it down inside the slits without breaking any off.

4. Add breadcrumbs. The technique I use is to pour the breadcrumbs on top and them massage them down inside the potato. Now they are ready for the oven!


*unless you want to add other ingredients. Some people add thin slices of garlic wedged in between (I am not one of those people). You could also add Parmesan cheese or seasoned salt.

5. Bake for 40 minutes.

YUM!

Since I am low-class, I like to eat these by pulling off pieces with my hand. What are those glowing eyes near my plate?! I think it may be a puppy willing to do tricks for my Hasselhoff potato.

Cranberry Baked Oatmeal

This could almost be called a breakfast cookie and that would be like getting away with having sweets for breakfast. When else can you have cookies for breakfast besides CoOOkie Crisp?(do they even make that anymore?)

Anyway, this baked oatmeal is hearty, sweet, soft and chewy on the inside, and a little crispy on top! The dried cranberries are like sweet little gems that give the dish a little sass.

In order to make this, you'll need about 50 minutes total (including prep).

Ingredients are pretty simple and explain why this is ALMOST a cookie:

Dry ingredients:
3 cups of oatmeal
1 cup brown sugar (could likely be reduced)
2 teaspoons baking powder
1 teaspoon cardamom (I love cardamom! I could sit and smell a jar of it all day)
2 teaspoons cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon salt

Wet ingredients:
1 cup milk
2 eggs
1/2 cup melted butter
2 teaspoons vanilla extract

Other ingredients:
1/2 cup dried cranberries
*any dried fruits would work well in this, I also think walnuts or almonds would be a great addition

STEP 1: Preheat to 350.

STEP 2: Measure dry ingredients and mix well. Try to avoid big lumps of brown sugar if you can.


Step 3: Measure wet ingredients in a different bowl. Stir with a whisk until well blended.

Step 4: Pour wet ingredients into dry ingredients and briefly mix. Gently stir in cranberries. If you are like Royall, you could start singing "oh my lifeee, changin everyday, in every POSSIBLE way"...

Step 5: Pour into greased 9 by 13 pan and spread so the mixture is even.


Step 6: Bake at 350 degrees for 40 minutes. SMELLS AWESOME! Like a big oatmeal cookie.

Step 7: Remove from oven when oatmeal has browned on top.


Step 8: EAT! I think this would be best warm, but I suppose you could eat it cold. It easily serves 8+ people. This would be great to make on Sunday night to have throughout the rest of the work week for breakfast. Although I didn't try it, I bet it would be great in a bowl with cold milk poured on top.

BLACK BEAN TACOS

Look at how colorful these tacos are! Simple, fast and healthy too!

I was inspired to make these tacos because for the past few months, I've been opening the pantry and seeing these dried beans just sitting there, begging to be made into something delicious. I soaked them in water overnight and then decided to make tacos out of them!

Here's how to make 'em:

-the night before or day of, soak black beans in water (I used about 1 cup of dried beans). If you use canned beans, just rinse them before heating.

-simmer the beans in water with cumin, salt, pepper, "cajun seasoning" and a dash of cayenne for about 30 minutes (5 or 10 minutes for canned beans). I had some leftover rice that I threw in there too!

-prep toppings: crack open container of guacamole (or make some from scratch), slice tomatoes, lettuce, and any other veggies you want

-heat up tortillas. I used pre-made but not yet baked tortillas. All you have to do is heat them up for a few seconds and watch them bubble. It was fun and gave the tacos a homemade touch.


ASSEMBLY:

Make a taco however you please! I chose to spread some guacamole on a tortilla and added a layer of beans and lettuce. Topped off with tomatoes and a little shredded monterrey jack! Royall added El Pato sauce to his tacos.

Royall says, "These were quite good, actually. Fresh cooked tortillas and well seasoned beans are what makes this dish."

I say:

This recipe is so simple and great if you want to cut back on meat consumption. You won't miss the beef, these bad boys are filling! Plus, dried beans are dirt cheap!

Secret Ingredient Cake Revealed!

Thanks for voting in last weeks ingredient poll! I appreciate the one person who had the guts to vote for prunes to try and make this more challenging.

The results are in. The winning secret ingredient is........

WHISKEY!

This is just like iron chef, but I'm only making one dish and I have all of my Saturday to do so and I'm not competing against anyone and it's not on TV and no one is yelling "cuisson".

Let's get started:

Here's of picture of what you are going to need. It took way too much effort to arrange this than it is worth. So you better enjoy it.


Ingredient list:

package of yellow cake mix
package of vanilla pudding mix
bag of butterscotch chips
1 cup walnuts
4 eggs (yikes!)
1/3 cup oil
1/2 cup milk
1/3 cup water
1/2 cup whiskey
little bit of powdered sugar

Step one: preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Make pessimistic comment about how you won't be able to make recipes like this in the future because it will heat up the apartment during those air conditioned months. Realize you are turning into your father.

Step two: grease bundt pan

Step three: pull out the handy Kitchen Aid mixer. Mix the pudding mix and cake mixes together.

Step four: Add eggs, milk, whiskey, oil and water. Mix for a few minutes.

Step five: Add walnuts and butterscotch chips and mix briefly.


Don't eat too much batter. There's raw egg AND alcohol in there.

Step six: pour into bundt pan


Step seven: Bake for about 50 minutes or until toothpick comes out clean.

This is how it looks right after it comes out of the oven:


Step eight: Let cool, then remove from pan.

Step nine: Poke holes in the top with a toothpick. This is where the icing will seep in!

Step ten: Make icing by melting about 1/2 cup butterscotch chips, 1/4 cup walnuts and 1 tablespoon of water in the microwave for about 30 seconds. Add 2 tablespoons of powdered sugar and 1 tablespoon of whiskey and stir until smooth.

Step eleven: drizzle icing over cake. It helps if you put foil underneath for easy clean up.

That's it! Enjoy with a nice glass of milk.

Classic Corned Beef & Cabbage

HAPPY SAINT PATRICK'S DAY!

You can only get away with drinking lots of beer and cooking something like corned beef and cabbage about once a year, so here's your chance!

I must be a freak of nature, or have some Irish blood, because I LOVE cabbage. I was even eating it raw while the corned beef was cooking!

This recipe isn't really from scratch. I have no idea how one would go about making corned beef from scratch. It might be one of those things that is better off being a mystery. I bought packaged corned beef from Albertson's that came with a seasoning packet included. Once it had cooked for a while, I couldn't help but liken the pink meat to spam, but it tasted much better than any spam I've ever had.

It's simple, too. All you have to do is throw the corned beef, some water, and the seasoning packet into the dutch oven and simmer for an hour per pound (for me, that was about 2 hours).

After the meat had cooked, I added some quartered potatoes, carrots, and cabbage and simmered for an additional 15 minutes.

The icing on the cake: having a GUINNESS to go along with this simple and hearty Irish meal!

PS: DON'T FORGET TO WEAR GREEN!

The Vegan WASP delight: HUMMUS

First of all, I think hummus needs to be renamed so it doesn't sound like it tastes gross. It's too close to "haggis" for my liking. Not sure what you could call it though. Wasps say "chickpeas", everyone else says "garbanzo beans". Maybe we could rename it creamy chickpea dip. Although that's terribly boring. Leave some new name ideas in the comments if you think of any good ones.

Total time to make this recipe is about a day, if you count soaking the dried beans overnight. Besides the soaking, it takes about an hour and a half.

You'll need:

1 cup dried chick peas, which grows to about 2 cups after soaking

1 cup of tahini (ground sesame seeds, you should be able to find this at most grocery stores near olives, etc.)

5 tablespoons olive oil

1/2 cup + 2 tablespoons lemon juice

some water that is left over from boiled chickpeas (about 3-4 tablespoons)

2 cloves garlic (I used 1/2 clove because I'm wimpy when it comes to garlic)

1/2 teaspoon cumin

dash of paprika

salt & pepper

parsley for garnish if you wanna get all fancy pants

ak-mak crackers for dipping, any carb should work though


FYI: This recipe is adapted from a Jewish heritage website.


DIRECTIONS:

1. Soak beans overnight in water. I dumped out the old water and put in fresh water a few times.

2. Simmer for an hour or until they are tender. Add water as needed. Drain, but save some liquid in case you need to thin the hummus. Note: my stove top isn't dirty. That's where the melted tea kettle metal leaked and ruined the enamel... long story.


3. Put all the goods into a food processor for a couple minutes. You may find that it's too thick and needs more lemon juice or liquid added. Play around with it until you get the consistency you want.


4. Drizzle with olive oil if you want. I also sprinkled paprika and sesame seeds on top. I like to eat my hummus with ak maks, they are really good crackers!


Voila! That wasn't too hard! I think this is the best hummus recipe I've ever made. Maybe it's because I used the dried and cooked beans instead of using canned beans. Maybe it's the amount of tahini, most recipes don't call for that much. OR maybe it's because I'm awesome.

Vivian's Crock Pot Macaroni & Cheese

This is the MAC DADDY of MAC n CHEESE!

Macaroni and cheese kicked butt in the latest poll and won by a landslide! And it's about time, I have been waiting to make this great recipe!

This recipe is an adaptation of a great recipe from Royall's grandmother, Vivian. It's pretty simple and you can leave it cooking in the crock pot while you are at work... or sitting on the couch all day watching PBS. Either way, you can set it and forget it!

Vivian's Crock Pot Macaroni & Cheese takes anywhere from 4 1/2 to 6 1/2 hours to make, but again, it's not like you are slaving over the stove for those hours. It's more like 15 minutes of prep and a few hours of forgetting about it while it is in the slow cooker. Or if you are like me, you won't forget about it because you are too excited and will go check on it every 5 minutes!

You're gonna need:

1/2 box elbow macaroni, cooked and drained, I used organic whole wheat macaroni because I like to pretend to be a food snob sometimes. In hindsight, I think regular pasta would have tasted better.

4 cups of shredded cheese, If you buy bags of already shredded cheese you'll need 2 bags. I shredded my own and used 1/2 monterrey jack (the kind with jalapenos) and 1/2 cheddar cheese. The original recipe calls for all cheddar.

12 oz. evaporated milk, I used 2 %, and only because Royall wouldn't let me buy the fat free one. I just couldn't justify using full fat milk. Trust me, there's enough fat in the cheese.

1 1/2 cups milk

2 eggs

1 tablespoon salt (I know it seems like a lot of salt, but any attempt to make this healthy will be in vain. This recipe bakes carbohydrates and fat into a large cake, there's no turning back now.) PS: Royall actually added salt to his!

HOW TO MAKE AWESOME CROCK POT MAC N CHEESE:

1. Cook macaroni and drain.


2. Grease your crock pot. I used a large oval crock pot, but I think this recipe is supposed to be done in the smaller kind that is round shaped.

3. Shred the cheese and measure it. If you took the easy way out, open the bag of pre-measured cheese.


4. In a big old bowl add everything; the macaroni, shredded cheese (save some to sprinkle on top), milk, evaporated milk, eggs and salt.

4. Add to crock pot and cook on low for about 6 hours. This time is according to the original recipe. I think since I used a larger crock pot, it cooked faster. It was done in about 4 1/2 hours.

Here's the progression of goodness:

Stage one: just mixed, "not-so-good"


Stage two: an hour into cooking time, "gettin good"


Stage 3: done, Geee-Double-Oh-Dee: Good!

By the way, like most things made in the crock pot, you aren't supposed to take the lid off to look at it because you lose a lot of steam pressure and heat. I wanted to take pictures so I peeked a few times, but don't try this at home folks!

Yummy! Since I used two kinds of cheese, some bites had a little kick to 'em because of the spicy monterrey jack with jalapenos. I probably wouldn't go for the whole wheat pasta next time, but it was still quite tasty. ENJOY!

Cake-inna-Mug

Adventures of Cake-inna-Mug

What's better than chocolate cake? Why, chocolate cake that you make in a mug in the microwave in 3 MINUTES, of course!

Royall's grandmother introduced us to cake in a mug and gave us a recipe which I lost somewhere. Her recipe used chocolate chips instead of cocoa powder and was so rich that we couldn't eat a whole mug in one sitting! This is the recipe I used, which is similar.

Disclaimer: This isn't going to taste like a cake that you labor over and cook the old fashioned way. But it's darn good for something made in a microwave and it satisfies a chocolate craving after a long day. I never had an easy bake oven, but I hypothesize that it might yield something like this. It's rich and dense. Hope you have some milk handy!

You're going to need 5 minutes, your favorite mug and:

4 tablespoons flour (cake flour is best)
2 tablespoons cocoa powder
4 tablespoons sugar
3 tablespoons milk
3 tablespoons oil
1 egg

Mix all the ingredients in your favorite mug. Mix it again and again. You don't want scrambled eggs cooked in your mug or flour stuck on the bottom. Speaking of eggs, check this out: double yolks ?! Does that mean fraternal twin chickies? FYI: I researched this and it turns out that double yolk eggs usually never hatch because the two baby chicks fight each other to the death before they even hatch. Not appetizing, I know, sorry. Let's move on...


After everything is mixed well, put in the microwave on high for 3 minutes. DON'T FREAK OUT: the cake will rise up and look like it is about to overflow. Just let it finish in the microwave... it's kinda cool to watch! It will go down after it cools a little bit.


Add some cool whip if you'd like and eat up!

Veggie Beef Soup

Veggie Beef Soup:

Work some left-over magic by using pot-roast beef and simple ingredients to make this tasty soup.

My husband and I were getting tired of eating sunday's pot roast everyday! So, I figured I needed to do something new with the left overs I had sitting in the fridge... or else it would end up in the trash or in the fridge making a fuzzy smelly microbiology experiment while we forgot it was ever in there.


This soup took about 30 minutes to make.


You'll need:

shredded left over pot roast or something similar (including juices)

stock (I used 2 cartons of chicken stock and 1/2 a carton of leftover beef stock from the pot roast recipe)

can of diced tomatoes

bag of frozen vegetables (the old school kind with corn, peas, green beans, carrots and limas)

potato, cubed

1/2 pound bag of pasta (technically, "pastini", the little baby kind you get in diner soups, like orzo)


There's only 4 steps, and one of 'em is EATING:

1. Throw everything into a big soup pot.

2. Here's the slightly interesting part. I took about 1 1/2 to 2 cups of the junk in the bottom of my cast iron dutch oven and put it in a food processor for a minute. This included juices, big chunks of herbs, mushrooms and carrots that were in the pot roast. Add to the big soup pot for a flavor boost.

3. Simmer everything together for 20-30 minutes.

4. EAT!


PS: Oh, the irony!!! I was trying to get rid of leftovers. This recipe made so much, I ran out of storage containers and had to use plastic baggies. FYI: Putting soup into plastic baggies is NOT an easy task.


Also, please take note of how clean my fridge is. Thank you.

Dutch Oven Pot Roast

Inspired by Pioneer Woman and a buy-one-get-one-free sale on roasts, Royall and I set out to make a pot roast today. Any excuse to pull out the cast iron dutch oven is welcomed around here. Especially on a cold and rainy day like today. I've never made a pot roast before because it seemed too intimidating. It was pretty easy (Royall did most of the work!) and it made a great one-pot meal that was tasty and hearty.

You'll need 3 1/2 to 4 hours and the following ingredients:

3-4 ish pound chuck roast
1 cup of red wine
about 2 cups of beef broth
6 carrots
2 onions
button mushrooms (don't make no nevermind how many)
a few potatoes if you'd like
rosemary and thyme

1. Make sure the roast is room temperature (at least let it sit out 30 minutes to an hour). Don't pull it right out of the fridge and begin heating it because it won't cook evenly.

(This is the free one, already frozen. The one we made was already cooking when I realized I forgot to nab a nice "before" picture. You get an honorable mention and self-satisfaction if you find what's wrong on the label.)

2. Cut onion and carrot into thick pieces.

3. Saute onion for a few minutes. Remove from pan and set aside.

4. Saute carrot for a few minutes. Remove from pan and set aside.

5. Rub on salt and pepper to season the roast.

6. Brown the roast in the dutch oven. Remove from pan and set aside.

7. De-glaze the dutch oven by adding a cup of red wine. Scrape all the meaty gunk off the bottom and whisk it into the wine. That's where the flavor is!

8. Place the roast back in the dutch oven.

9. Add broth until it covers about half of the roast.

10. Throw all the vegetables back in the dutch oven.

11. Add herbs. A few sprigs of rosemary and thyme will do the trick.

12. Place lid on dutch oven and cook for 3 hours at 275 degrees. Since this cooks at such a low temp, I bet you could make it in a crock pot too. It takes away from the rustic beef cowboy thing that the cast iron brings to the table, though.

Here's the before and after:

The cast iron makes the picture look a little gray and murky, but trust me, this was goooood. Made the apartment smell like rosemary too!


Here it is on my favorite plate:

The WASPs have spoken, and They Want Broccoli Rice Casserole!

Last week's poll results are in and broccoli rice casserole won!

I'm excited that I got to make broccoli rice casserole this weekend for two reasons:

1. Every time I've made this, it has come out wrong. Once, I accidentally doubled the margarine and there was grease pooled on top! Second time I made it, I dumped frozen broccoli right in without cooking it first and it was really soupy from too much water. I really wanted to get it right this time!

2. This is the stuff family legends are made of. I was speaking to my Mom about the poll before it was over and she told me, "Let me know if broccoli rice casserole wins, I'll tell you the story behind it. It's 25 years old." I never knew there was such a heritage behind this cheesy concoction! It's older than me, apparently.

Here's what Mom had to say:

"Every summer a parent at the nursery school, Mrs. Kasper, treated the staff to lunch. One year she made this delicious casserole. She had seen it on a box of rice and it was her first time making it. That was about 25 years ago...the recipe has been a family and pot luck dinner staple, it has undergone many changes and variations, but it is still a crowd pleaser. Fondly, the family named it after her."

I don't ever remember our family naming it after her, but let's give credit where credit is due! From here on out, broccoli rice casserole shall be called Mrs. Kasper's Broccoli Rice Casserole, or perhaps Kasper Kasserole!

Kasper Kasserole takes about an hour to make.

You will need:

1 cup of uncooked rice (the instant quick cooking kind like Success or Minute Rice, I used brown rice so I can pretend that I am being healthy)

package of frozen broccoli (I used fresh because I just happened to have some in the fridge)

can of cream-of-your-choice soup (I used cream of chicken with herbs)

1/2 cup Cheez Whiz

small onion

1/2 stick margarine (1/4 cup)

1/4 cup milk

1/8 cup water

PS: I remember my Mom making this with diced ham in it when I was a kid, so you could add that too if you need to use up some leftovers.


The instructions are SO simple and easy, I really don't know how I've messed this up so many times:

1. Preheat the oven to 350 and grease a square 8x8 pan.

2. If using frozen broccoli, cook according to package directions. Make sure you drain well or pat dry so it doesn't make the casserole too liquid-y. For fresh broccoli, just rinse it well and cut into small florets.

3. Saute onion until tender.

4. Mix all the ingredients together in a bowl and add to greased pan.

5. Bake for 45 minutes until the casserole bubbles and browns a little on top.

This stuff is sooooo good! Mine tasted different than what Mom used to make though. I doubt she really followed that recipe every time (good cooks don't need recipes). I don't remember her putting onions in it either, because I surely would have had a fit (I hated onions to an extreme until a few years ago). This recipe could be easily adapted, too. I bet it would be good with other types of veggies in it, chicken, or even with a little cayenne added for some heat.

YUM! Royall says, "Que rico!".

Purple Pickled Eggs

I don't know if pickled eggs count as WASP-y food, but I just had to blog about these bad boys:

I don't know what on earth possessed me to make pickled eggs, but I got to thinking about them a few days ago and figured I'd give it a whirl. My reasoning being: I like pickles, I like hard boiled eggs, maybe I'd like pickled hard boiled eggs. Also, I wanted to make my own so I knew exactly what I was getting myself into.

To make purple pickled eggs you'll need a couple days and:

4-6 hard boiled eggs

1/2 cup vinegar

2 tablespoons brown sugar

1/2 teaspoon pickling spice

1 cup water

a few beet slices

1. Hard boil eggs and cool them in the fridge. Peel.

2. In a saucepan, bring water, vinegar, sugar, pickling spice, and beets to a boil. Check out the taste. I added a little extra sugar to mine. Cool in the fridge.

3. Important: Don't place eggs in pickling solution until both the eggs and the pickling solution have been chilled. Otherwise, the eggs may get a rubbery texture.

4. Let eggs sit in picking solution for 2 days.

5. Be brave and try one! Aren't they strangely pretty?

I have to say that I was pleasantly surprised with how these came out! It tasted like a hard boiled egg married a pickled beet and had a beet-egg baby. However, I could see how these might be a hard-to-acquire taste for the less adventurous.

Cheap-Ass Chicken

Welcome to Cheap-Ass Chicken:

A yummy roast chicken dinner complete with potatoes and lemon-almond broccoli for four people for under $2.50 per person! What an incredible deal! But wait, there's more! This meal includes WINE!!!

Here's the breakdown:

wine: $2.97 (it was a "rollback" from Walmart, doesn't get more cheap-ass than that).
chicken: $4.44
broccoli: $0.69
almonds: $1.88

Divided by four servings, it comes out to be $ 2.4952 per person. You need more ingredients for this recipe, but if I had them on hand in my pantry, you probably will too.

If you have never roasted a chicken, you are truly missing out. It is super easy and always comes out tasting great. It's also impressive if you have company and it fills your home with awesome herb-y aroma. Plus, it is cheaper than buying a rotisserie chicken. It's probably even cheaper than some gross fried junk from KFC or Popeye's!

For the chicken you will need a few hours and:

a roasting pan
chicken
herbs (I used fresh rosemary, thyme and basil)
lemon pepper seasoning
olive oil
salt and pepper
potatoes to roast in the bottom of the pan if you want

For the lemon-almond broccoli you will need a few minutes and:

a head of broccoli
onion
lemon juice
almonds (slivered)
olive oil
sesame seeds
dried minced garlic

CHICKEN INSTRUCTIONS:

1. First things first: Preheat the oven to 325 and tap into that cheap bottle of wine. You will soon need it when it comes time to clean the raw chicken. No, I don't have a proper wine glass. This is cheap-ass, remember?

2. Clean the chicken. It's not fun, but not as bad as you might imagine if you've never done it before. Just put it in the sink and run cold water through the cavity.

Optional: Flap the poor bird's wings while singing that annoying chicken dance song and have some fun.

If you bought a chicken that still has some innards in it, you're unlucky. You will need to get rid of those things. On the bright side, you could cook that stuff and your dog would probably love it.

3. Place the chicken on the rack in a roasting pan and dry the skin off. Don't skip this part, this is important because it helps the skin get crispy and brown!

4. In a small bowl, pour a few tablespoons of olive oil, a splash of lemon juice, and add whatever herbs you'd like. I used basil, rosemary and thyme.

5. It gets a little gross again. You need to get the seasonings under the skin where the white meat can soak up some herb-y goodness. Gently but confidently get your fingers under the skin and separate the skin from the meat by breaking the clear thin subcutaneous membrane. Spread some of the oil/herb mixture between the skin and meat.

6. Coat the outside of the chicken with the same mixture of oil and herbs. I also sprinkled salt, pepper, and lemon pepper seasoning on the chicken I made.


7. If you have a great probe thermometer that your mother got for your husband last Christmas, now's the time to use it.

8. Roast for a few hours. Since I used a probe thermometer, I just checked every 20 minutes or so to make sure the chicken skin wasn't getting too brown (if it does get too brown, make a foil tent and place over the chicken). The thermometer alerted me when it had gotten hot enough, about 180 degrees. I think it took about 2 hours to reach this temperature.


9. Remove from oven and let rest while you make the broccoli.

BROCCOLI INSTRUCTIONS:

1. Make sure the broccoli has been cleaned. Cut into florets. Slice up half an onion, too.

2. Get a large pan hot, really hot, and add some olive oil and dried minced garlic (just a sprinkle).

3. Add broccoli and onions and saute briskly.

4. Add a few teaspoons of lemon juice, a dash of stir fry sauce, almonds (1/4 cup-ish), and some sesame seeds.


5. This doesn't need to cook very long. Maybe 3 or 4 minutes total.

6. Plate it so it looks pretty and impressive.


Eat your cheap-ass masterpiece!